Fourth of July is easily my favorite national holiday, and as such I'm not opposed to disposable patriot paper plates or even an American Flag table cloth. Heck, I'm pretty sure I owned an American Flag neck tie.
But even red-blooded, fruited-plain-loving Americans can take patriotic-theme merchandise too far. Just spend some time on the Internet (like I did recently) and a whole host of American tack will fill your browser.
Here are my picks for the worst patriotic-themed merchandise available.
1. Toilet paper
There is perhaps no worse way to show your love for country than by using this toilet paper in any way other than sitting it on a table and staring at it.
Again, flatulence in front of Old Glory doesn't honor the Constitution or make the troops any safer. The funny thing about this product is that there are several on the market. Free Patch T-shirt to anyone who buys this or can show me a picture of it in use.
Nothing disrespectful about this product, but it just strikes me as a really odd thing to spend money on. Coleman makes some really fine coolers for this same price, and you wouldn't be embarrassed to take them to a tailgate. Maybe that's why this is item is no longer for sale.
Maybe this isn't really patriotic, so much as a political statement for some folks. In fairness, there is a John McCain version offered. Seems like folks will go to any lengths to let you know they don't like the President. We get it, we get it; Obamacare, socialism, birth certificate. Oh, you're so mad, but save your $5.
Maybe this is patriotic. If you actually purchased these patriotic prophylactics, you're probably saving society from a super-kitschy generation of people who might buy American Flag coolers.
Like toilet paper, people do a whole host of unseemly things on their bed sheets, so I just don't think it honors God and country to roll around on Old Glory every night.
There's some debate among Patch editors over whether this is the best patriotic item or the worst. I lean on the side of worst, but Hal Millard and Shawn Drury in the upstate disagree.